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BREAKING: Satirical News Website Reaches Deal To Buy Alex Jones’ InfoWars


It’s the end of an era.

On Monday afternoon, satirical news website The Onion announced it has reached a deal to buy Alex Jones’ InfoWars.

The move by The Onion comes after a court ruled Alex Jones was liable for defamation in a $1 billion lawsuit regarding Jones’ claims that the Sandy Hook shooting was a hoax.

CNN reported more details on the deal and what steps are next:

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Satirical news site The Onion said it has reached an agreement to take over conspiracy theorist Alex Jones’ InfoWars company, in a move that could help repay the more than $1 billion he owes the families of Sandy Hook shooting victims.

Should The Onion win court approval, it would cap a legal saga lasting more than 18 months over the future of Jones’ website and show.

“We’ve wanted this the whole time. We have not backed down at any moment,” The Onion CEO Ben Collins told CNN in an interview.

Under the agreement, and with the support of the Sandy Hook families, The Onion will initially pay a monthly licensing fee to the court-appointed receiver overseeing InfoWars. Collins said the company has also signed a deal to purchase the full assets once the current judicial stay expires.

Jones was found liable for defamation in 2022 after repeatedly claiming on-air that the 2012 Sandy Hook massacre, in which six adults and 20 children were killed, was a “hoax.” He has yet to pay a single cent of the more than $1 billion in damages he owes the families. As a result, Jones’ assets went up for sale.

This is what the new logo of InfoWars will reportedly look like:

Read the Onion’s official announcement here:

Let me tell you a story. When I was a child, I suffered from night terrors. It was always the same dream: I could hear my family and neighbors wailing in the street outside as they were pursued and then destroyed by a nameless malevolent force, something neither I nor anyone else could control, a great darkness that was, somehow, all my fault.

Today, that childhood dream is finally coming true. Today I can finally say the sweetest nine or 10 words in the English language: Global Tetrahedron has completed its plan to control InfoWars.com.

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I’ve had a lot of time to think about InfoWars in the last year and a half. As the seasons have changed, my ambitions for the project have grown grander, crueler, better aligned with market data. Come, friends, and imagine with me…

Imagine a roaring arena packed to the rafters with pathological liars. High above you in the nosebleeds are podcasters, screaming that you’ll die if you don’t buy their skincare products. Below, on the floor, imagine demonic battalions of super-influencers physically forcing people into home fitness devices designed to dismantle their bodies bone by bone and reassemble them into a grotesque statue of yourself. Out of the throngs, an extremely sick looking man approaches you. He puts his hands on your shoulders. He explains that he is your life coach and that you owe him $800.

Such is the InfoWars I envision: An infinite virtual surface teeming with ads. Not just ads, but scams! Not just scams, but lies with no object, free radical misinformation, sentences and images so poorly thought out that they are unhealthy even to view for just a few seconds. The InfoWars of old was only the prototype for the hell I know we can build together: A digital platform where, every day, visitors sacrifice themselves at altars of delusion and misery, their minds fully disintegrating on contact.

With this new InfoWars, we will democratize psychological torture, welcoming brutal and sadistic ideas from everyone, even the very stupidest among us. It will be like the Manhattan Project, only instead of a bomb, we will be building a website.

The InfoWars of tomorrow will converge into a swirling vortex of content about content, talent acquiring talent, rings of concentric media mergers processing all human artistry into one endlessly digestible slurry. This will be a dank, sunless place, one where panic and capital feed on each other like twins in the womb of a hulking, unknowable monster—a monster known by many names, but which I like to call modern-day America.

All of this is to say that I believe in us. I believe that with the new InfoWars, we can alchemize the pioneering spirit of amateur inquiry, the profit-maximizing drive of corporations, and the cold mental clarity that comes only with disciplined daily ingestion of mind- and body-altering chemicals. If we can do that, what other great things can we do together?

I don’t yet know, but I’m excited to find out. Welcome home, warriors. The future belongs to us. We’re writing the story now. It’s going to be a long one, and it’s going to be a bad one.

So settle in. Make yourself comfortable. Buy a tote bag.

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Nothing can stop us now that we’re in charge of a website.

Alex Jones is expected to still conduct his show, but under a new brand name.

How do you feel about it?



 

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